It's Almost the Day

March 5 is coming fast. I am flooded with emotions about what this past year has been for me as person, but also as her daughter. I have learned ways to be patient when I didn't think it possible and ways to stand my ground when pushed to my limits. Not one moment has been overly easy, and all of those moments have been a learning process. And a growing process.

It's hard not to think back on this time last year, it's basically seeping from my pores. I remember putting an air mattress in their big closet. I could be close enough to hear the slightest call for help and those last prayers that lulled she and I to sleep; he used his last breaths daily to speak them softly to her. The days came harder and went slower as the minutes passed. She told me it was going to be on Monday. She told me lots of things. And there where those times when she was in and out, as she was preparing to leave. When she was out, she was always busy talking to people. A few times I caught a name, they were all loved ones that had already passed. She was having these unconscious conversations with them, asking questions. Getting excited. Getting sad. Making plans. Opening up.

I know for sure that she was on her way out and she would talk to them in her sleep. She would wake up and talk to me in those moments before she woke up completely. She always did say the weirdest things when you'd wake her up. But the stuff she said to me in these final weeks turned out to be some of the most profound experiences of my life, although I didn't know it then. She connects to me. I had no doubt that she would, she was so worried about leaving and it was so hard for her to let go, but I never thought this connection could be so strong. She sends me messages, she helps me to grow. She is with me in so many ways that I can't even keep count.

For the record, I guess I could count.

Sayin No

I told someone no today. Not just anyone, and not just 'no'. I said no to an opportunity to paint a building downtown as the owner of an up and coming mural business. We were asked to provide something that I didn't think we could pull of, because of the condition of the building, and so I said no. Even though this meant that we just passed up an opportunity to paint a building (two times in two months) on 6th Street/Nueces, and even though I though that is what we wanted...turns out, we don't want to paint steam punk text on a lumpy building downtown. Maybe if it were for a different venue, for sure if the building was smoother, but I just felt it wasn't our 'chance'. Or, rather, it could have been and I did the exact right thing with it. I did what I have had so much trouble with for the past year, I let it go. I released it and it felt like the best thing I could have done for our business, and more importantly- for our art.

I have learned in the past year that I have to let go of things; some things I am ready to let go of because it's time, and some things sneak up on you and take your insides with you when they are ripped from your heart. Those are the ones, the ones that'll get you. Those are the ones that get me in such a rut that I don't know how or if I can ever recover. But then there is something. For me, last night, it was my husband. He simply come home from work with dinner. But it wasn't just dinner. It was how he called when he got off and asked how I was. It was him hearing that I wasn't feeling good and offering to pick up dinner. It was how he walked in, and dropped everything in the kitchen to come find me and check on me. And it was how, when he found me, he softened his voice to ask how I was, and his hand grasping my foot as he asked. It was him asking me if I was hungry and luring me to the table after getting real plates and forks for everything. It was how he had stopped and picked up the only meal has seemed good to me in weeks. It was that he noticed that, because I didn't.

There are things that are taken from my heart and there are things that I simply let go of, this past year has been a hard lesson for me in that letting go process. Hard to let pieces of my heart float away. I am so grateful for the parts that are still in tact.

Mural Wall, Day One

Working on this wall has been an big ordeal and it is showing me that I am capable of actually doing something that makes a difference. I am not just speaking about the art. Within the first hour of being there (I was by myself), I was getting my legs for the scissor lift and trying to find the courage to go a little higher each time, until I made it all the way to the top. Well, I was getting the hang of it and started to find my groove. It was at that time I hear the screech of tires and metal hit metal. I looked up to see a car rolling straight for me. It must have rolled 4 times, and landed upside down on the curb about 100 yards away from me. I got off my lift and rushed over to see if everyone was ok. When I made it to the car, a small crowd was already gathering, and a very old lady was yelling and asking for help. Someone reached in through the other side of the car and crawled in enough to release her seatbelt dropping her to the ground. A few people around the car tried to stop him and they all started talking about who would be liable for what, all the while this old helpless lady is tangled up in her car, by herself and begging for help. I don't know what happened (yes I do, my Mother took over), but I went around to the other side of the upside down car and crawled into the passenger side to be with this lady and hold her hand. I found her leg stuck between her blinker switch and her steering wheel, and I broke that thing off to give her a little relief. I put a floor mat under her face so she wasn't laying on the road and glass, since her sun roof busted out in the rolls. I asked her name.and brushed glass off of her face. She told me she could feel something poking her back and I slowly ran my hand in the direction that she was telling me and reached around to feel her collarbone broken and sticking up. I comforted her and promised her I was not going to leave her alone until help got there. And I didn't. I asked her where she was going and about her cockatoo that she was out buying food for. When I asked 91 year old Nell if there was someone I could call for her...she said no, eve. She said that she didn't have anyone, and I let her know that she had me. After some time caring for her (it seemed like an hour, but I am sure this all happened over the course of 10 minutes) I asked her again if there was someone that I could call. She said she has a son named Harold that lives about an hour away and I could call him. Since all of this the thing that sticks out most to me is why she hesitated to tell me that I could call Harold from the start. What happened between her and Harold that made her not want to contact him or reach out when she was in need? I still have no idea, and may never know. I do know that I am lucky and grateful for the folks in my life that I have and that I will car when my car (or life) is upside down.

I should have said it here...

A few weeks ago I was writing an email to a friend who is getting married soon and just lost her Mother. I hope I wasn't out of line, and I realize now that I should have wrote it here, but this is what I said to her, thinking I was saying it to her. In reality, I was saying it to me.

Losing Mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. Yesterday was her birthday and on Sept 5, it will be 6 months. Not one day has gone by where I didn't think about her and miss her to tears. But the tears have changed a little. They have gone from hopeless and uncontrollable to a tiny bit more controllable and appreciative. I am thankful that I had someone to show me love from my start to my present. I have realized that she is the foundation for me as to what it means to love. And I am grateful that I that has hit me and that I know I can never not know it now.

Over the past 6 months, I have used my Mom's patience and love constantly (although getting a good attitude kickstarted has not been the easiest), and have learned that she isn't gone, only she has taken a different form in my life now. She has brought me confidence and strength that I never thought possible. And that is her. Because of her grace and love, I am a better mother, wife, sister, friend, care giver, worker, thinker, everything! I am so lucky to have had her with me here as long as I was blessed to. And I can't be angry or sad anymore (way way easier said than done), because I know that she would not want me to carry that with me, and out of love for her, I can carry on. I ask her to guide me and ask her to grant me patience everyday, and I can feel her strength and courageousness inside of me. So even when I struggle, she is right there pulling my bootstraps up. I can almost hear her cheering me on. "You can do it, Kacy B!" <3